Last night I got pretty drunk just after work. I knew better. I knew my stomach was empty and that I was drinking a heavy drink poured by Tom, who was well in the sauce. I knew better.
Nothing really bad happened that I can remember...But the next thing I knew Tom was giving me this big speech about how I was mean to the resident rich-girl-slut-pothead (she's not really a slut, just looks like one.) The reason I feel bad is because although I'm insanely jealous of her buckets of money, I really like her pretty well. She's been better this semester and didn't deserve what Tom says I said.
I wrote her a note and I'm gonna put it under her door ('cause she's at work) and then I hope that will be okay until I can apologize in person.
I just feel so damned bad. And then I admitted to Tom while I was drunk that any small mistake I make I must "atone" for and other such things important to me, albeit wrong, in my head and now I'm afraid he'll think I'm a crazy bitch like his last girlfriend. I KNOW he doesn't feel that way, but I just, I guess, well I just wanna do my best.
Anyway, I can only stew on it until I feel better. I don't know how to fix that, and never have. Don't know what to do about making something right. Don't know what to do with my feelings of guilt and I don't know how to forgive myself.
I feel like a perfect heel. But then, nobody's perfect.
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